You Are Enough.
It took me a while to build up the courage to write this and post it publicly. I'm not usually one to openly share my deepest struggles with the world, mostly because sometimes being vulnerable with others about my flaws can be very hard for me. However, I felt like this was a necessary step that I needed to take on my path to find more peace in my life. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who struggles with this and my hope is that by sharing my thoughts, I will be able to connect with others who share the same battle.
More often than not, I find myself struggling deeply with my self- esteem. There are days where I have caught myself being so mean to myself that I am ashamed to repeat my thoughts out loud. Some days, I find myself nitpicking at my looks and playing the “If only I could look like her” game. Other days, I find myself belittling traits in my personality, whether it’s my intelligence, my likeability, my sense of humor, you name it. Sometimes I have even caught myself insulting the littlest things, like the way I walk or the sound of my voice. To be completely honest, I can be so mean—a bully, really. When I have days like this, I can make myself feel so insignificant, that I start to question essential pieces of my life—like why do my friends even like me, or how the heck did I get the remarkable husband I have? I can break my own heart by making myself feel undeserving for what I have in my life. This is a dangerous path to wander down, and I’m usually pretty good at stopping myself before I get too lost. My thoughts turn towards others who may also find themselves gradually traveling down this path. You are not alone.
I am a bully but I am also the bullied. Whether it’s a single insult towards yourself or a whole plethora, the two- headed beast is the same and it must be stopped.
How do you stop a bully? Usually, you first try to find the source of the behavior. I can point my finger at a million things as the source of my bullying. I think my biggest triggers are social media and worldly standards. They seem to foster this attitude of comparison and expectation that I can’t seem to escape. Everywhere I look, I feel pressure to look and act a certain way. I have good days where I tell myself I am perfect the way I am, but obviously I also have bad days where I feel like I just cave in to insecurity. So, if you know what the source of your bullying is, or what your triggers are, you have a better chance at fighting it. Because social media is a big trigger for me, I find myself attempting to avoid social media altogether unless I am posting something uplifting or talking with my family (I’m still working on it). I try to avoid “stalking” other people’s profiles and posts because I find myself comparing my life to that person, instead of being happy for them and loving who I am. This is not a change that can happen overnight—it will be a process. However, the idea is that by avoiding your triggers, it will eventually help you silence that voice inside your head telling you that you aren’t good enough.
Being told that you aren’t good enough can foster an attitude of victimization. Don’t get me wrong; in the real world a person who is bullied is definitely a victim. However, there is a difference between being a victim and victimizing yourself. When you bully yourself, yes, you are a victim. But I know for me, at least, I also tend to victimize myself because I am a victim to myself. When I have a day where I feel low about myself, not only am I telling myself that I’m not good enough but I’m also allowing myself to feel that way—and continue to feel that way. When a person is bullied, how do you help him or her move past it? Typically, when a person feels bullied they are allowing another person’s opinion minimize or overshadow their self worth. When you bully yourself, you are allowing that voice inside your head to make you forget how valuable you are. Remembering your value is the key to breaking out of this victimized outlook. When you know how important you truly are then words are just sticks and stones, right? The hardest part about this is that you have to realize your own worth for yourself—it’s not something anyone else can do for you. Even if you look for your worth in other people’s compliments towards you—it’s only temporary because you are still seeking another’s opinion instead of establishing your own belief in yourself. One thing that has always helped me through is remembering my divine potential as a daughter of God. He loves me, so much so, that He sent His son to save me. He plays a major role in my life and continues to uplift me in times of trouble. Holding onto His love for me, helps me find that extra love I need for myself. Find ways to love yourself, even if you have to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how great you are until you believe it. Find a way to be good to yourself. When it comes down to it, you are all you have.
I know how isolating it can feel to battle low self- esteem. At times, I break my own heart on a daily basis. Remember that this is not a battle bigger than you, even though at times it may feel that way, because you are in control. Don’t forget to find the good instead of only looking for the bad. Don’t forget to give yourself some credit instead of only finding your shortcomings. Don’t forget to find your unique quirks instead of only fault finding. You are brilliant. You are important. You are enough.
